Dear readers, there are just some things you should never trust me with: the last slice of pizza, your mum, and New Year’s resolutions. In fact, you should not trust me with most things under the sun, but those, in particular, you should be wary of. Granted, none of the above three affect you literally – unless your mum is Jennifer Lawrence then GO TO YOUR ROOM I GOT THIS, but given my penchant to promise you withhold certain information that quite positively can lead to your actual general wellbeing (let’s be honest, how many things off the internet can you apply this to?), you should check up with me at least once if not 364 more times in a given year. For instance, promises to share how I kicked my eczema’s ass, or sharing a bit of know-how in terms of graphic design, as according to this ruddy account. Nobody cares whether I post Part II of a press-trip from 2012 – that I know for a fact.

As always my excuse is: my dog ate my homework, and I got busy; check my Snapchat (Sparkncube) for proof. On the other hand, don’t check Snapchat. Between Simon and me dancing in the office like a pair of lunatics, I’ve just realised that the rest are of me making jell-o and jiggling it (if my life were a movie I’d like Nicholas Cage to play me). I get it, this freshly-turned teen/neglectful parent excuse is getting old, and I do apologise. Said she, barely looking up from her laptop. This year my only three resolutions are these: 1) Get fat 2) Start drinking like a Polish farmer, and 3) start sending family daily hate-mail. By mid-January I’ll do the usual annual thing of forgetting all about it and revert to doing the complete opposite, at least with adequate effort this time.

Hope you had a successful first ten days of the New Year, and while I intend to deliver (at least partially) on last year’s promises within the next few years weeks – if your questions are urgent always feel free to shine a poop emoji into the sky and I’ll fly to your aid, Febreeze in one hand, a plunger in another. In all seriousness, some of you have e-mailed about eczema and I am more than happy to help. Welcome, to another year of shenanigans and illustrated rants.